The green agenda
First Minister (Jonah Ocean) – Felix- I’ve been thinking-
Principal Secretary- (Felix Everett)- I’m sorry to hear that, is it very painful? and does it happen often?
JO- No It does not hurt, and I am entitled to think about current issues
FE-Quite First Minister, but you have a whole army of people who are paid to think, that means that is not something that you need to distress yourself with
JO- Well that’s debatable-
FE- That you need to think or that you come up with ideas
JO- I am supposed to drive policy and frankly we are not making much progress with this issue of climate change and global warming
FE-I thought we were. After all we did prevent all that warming in Westminster London. The parliament was prorogued for 10 days and so all that hot air that was being generated was dissipated all around the country
JO-But that was only until the Supreme Court ruling occurred and then there was more hot air and with even more uproar.
JO-We’ll discuss that another time. As we’ve now had an election and there are so many new MP’s that the number taking part in debates will be much reduced for a while. So now is the perfect time to show that we are serious about climate change
FE- I know that there were some new MPs but I didn’t think that were recruiting climate activists. After-all how they going to get here-you cant be glued to a train and then come into Parliament. How would we manage them around the building- it’s in danger of falling down anyway
JO-No Felix, we do need to do something about climate change
FE-Yes first minister
JO-And we also have a problem with all those people who not keeping up with their fitness.
FE-Yes first minister
JO- So I am going to propose that we set up Rowing clubs across the UK. Which would be very good for the NHS
FE I don’t see how that will help
JO-Well don’t you see, these clubs will be a great way to use those empty spaces left when the last few department stores close down
FE-Forgive me first minister but I don’t see
JO-Well we can get these rowing machines in the empty shops and encourage people to come and go rowing.
FE-and how would that help
JO Well first it would be very sociable, and we could also use their efforts to generate electricity
FE- but would that not take a lot of energy as well
JO-No, the electricity they generate would be used to light the building
FE-and to heat it?
JO -well that would be due to the heat and sweat that the rowers would generate whilst rowing
FE-and how would that be social?
JO-Well we could set them up into teams- the red, the green and the yellows
JO-Of course not, the blues would be the organisers- who would encourage all the others
FE -and how would you encourage them?
JO-Well we could pay them in carbon credits for the amount of electricity that they have generated
FE-And how could the carbon credits be used?
JO-Well the Fintech part of the economy could convert those carbon credits to Bitcoin which the rowers can then spend
FE- Pardon me First Minister – doesn’t it take a lot of energy to mine Bitcoins on a bank of computers
JO-Well I didn’t know that, are they now sending computers down the mines? But as it was such a dangerous environment, I can see why that is now the new procedure
FE- No first minister, they run programmes on the computers to make the Bitcoins
JO-Oh I see – well that can only motivate those rowers to row harder to generate electricity to run the computers and so that they can get their money.
FE-And how would you light the place?
JO-Well we have the European Union to thank there. They deemed that all light bulbs now need to be lower wattage, say 20 watts I believe so It will be easier to reach that amount of energy on a rower. The lights maybe a little less bright
FE-So these rowers would be sat in a gloomy shopping centre rowing away to create light so that they can see
JO-Well think of the team spirit it would create. We could play that song by Vera Lynn which was so motivating during World War 2- “When the lights come on again all over the world” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzlFaY0s_QI
FE-So this would be a definite case of the light at the end of the tunnel.
FE-And what about food and drink
JO – Well that’s the beauty of the plan. The amount of energy generated would be quite small so they would have to work hard to generate enough to boil a kettle, still less work a 3Kilowatt oven.
FE-Hasn’t the European Union passed some legislation about kettles
JO-Gosh yes I’d forgotten that. They have deemed that the kettles need to be of lower wattage so it should be easier to boil the water
Assistant Private Secretary Casian Fox- But that won’t solve the problem?
JO- Yes why not, after all, these are the masters of European Administration based in Brussels
CF- Quite so First Minister however, they seem a little wide of the mark about physics
JO- Well isn’t that covered at CERN in Basel
CF- Well first minister they certainly know how to split the atom and so make hot water there. The total energy needed to boil water however is the same wherever it is. If is delivered by a low wattage kettle or a high wattage kettle. SO, it will just take longer to boil the water with a low wattage kettle.
JO-So it will take the rower longer to get steamed up so to speak!
CF-and what about heating the milk
JO-I presume that will also take time as well
JO -So they can have cold milk added
FE-And in the argument about climate change one of the culprits are said to be cows
JO-We can do without the cows and their milk , or we could use dried milk, just as we did in the 1970’s. Comes out of a tin as I recall. So we can recycle the empties.
FE-But as Cows are a source of milk, butter, cheese and beef as well as of methane. They are pretty important. The dried milk also comes from cows but its been dried that’s all. Just as it says on the tin so to speak.
CF-We could try and collect the methane-
JO-And how could we do that
CF-Well I can get onto the Ministry of Defence and see if they could modify their gas mask design and make them large enough to fit a cow. To collect the methane- Would also mean less mess around the fields for the farmers to clean up. I hope they would like that.
JO-Interesting idea if a little novel
CF-And then we could attach one of those gas collection bags to the cow- just as they did to the first cars that were fuelled by gas. We might even be able to export the methane to the other countries of the European Union. More effective than blowing raspberries as we depart of 31/1/2020
JO-And what would we do with all that coffee grounds
FE-Well coffee grounds are very good for the garden composting bin
JO-So we could help people to grow their own fruit and vegetable
CF-My favourites and bananas, pineapples and cherry tomatoes
JO-Well you’ll need to think again as all those must be transported to the UK by sea and air. Better to develop a taste for sprouts, parsnips and carrots or you’ll be slipping on that banana skin.
CF-Or we could burn the coffee grounds when there is no wind to make electricity
JO-No that would not do as if also causes global warming
JE-So if there is no wind, we are a bit stuck
JO-I know. We could install a wind collection system so that we could get all those MPs and those rowing to blow down a tube. If that was directed at the wind turbine then that should make enough electricity
FE-So we could Whistle Down The Wind
JO-Yes and also Whistle While You Work https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIwa9sPFT5I
CF- But if we did need to burn those coffee grains, we need a method to reduce all that carbon dioxide
JO-Well we could legislate that we plant trees. And to be really green these would have to be on brownfield sites. Plant on brown to go green so to speak
FE And how many trees would we need
JO-Well I’m told that there is a vogue for Money Trees- they produce all sorts of benefits- free broad band, nationalisation and hundreds of thousands more employees for the NHS- all out of thin air.
FE- Well it would certainly be very popular. Imagine being able to go on all those woodland walks and listen to the birds sing
JO – Yes think of all those birds presenting Soundbites, Promises, Puff and Bluster from amongst the trees. First rate idea. We need to get this Green Policy Done Now for the start of the New Year
We could call it Rowing for Victory just like the Dig for Victory they did during World War 2